boypunchr

it’s been fifty four days  since april twenty sixth I offered everything I had — my future and my life span cut in half  but I’m sorry that wasn’t enough for the universe to budge    I held your lifeless body   to the point I memorized the texture of your fur just by picturing it   engraved it in my hands  knowing I’d never feel it again   I keep being told to “move on” but a part of me left with you   a part of me is still in that room    I can’t say your name out loud  without breaking down  I kept your first toy from your first vet visit  scattered your pictures everywhere  but nothings enough  not when im sick with missing you If my tears could bring you back  you’d be here wrapped in my arms you didn’t get to pop balloons this year  dig through tissue paper  but you were my gift  I had you since you were four weeks old  I don’t remember much in life  except everything about...

I don’t like hearing how my eyes are “ pretty ” it’s said so often  they’ve even written about ‘em    but it’ll never be a compliment  there’s no beauty in what bears constant pain  if they’re so pretty … why are they always filled with tears? as if they were made to cry  this much   I can’t lie — when liquor hits my tongue  I miss what I thought I had  and for a brief moment  my eyes replay  memories never made  hacen llorar a los ojitos que aman tanto so i close them wrap my arms around my knees,  let my head rest on ‘em — remember what made me let go  and I may no longer be the same  pero dejo que todo pase  sin miedo, sin prisa  Y sanaré mis ojos con cada lágrima que deslizan

I still wake up with tear stained eyes — so its like you’re still here  my mind reminisces of all the times I romanticized  but reality quickly sinks in  and I remember it for what it was  I rewind to august — still cry over it a bnb full of people only you knew  while I was sober holding back tears  blaming myself for the girls and texts  on your phone  thought by January  it had  been the end of it  but you slipped up and forgot I’m allergic to latex  I held on out of embarrassment  throwing out my self respect left and right  as if the  ache was worth it all  praised you online to cover up your lies and for what?  I always knew I could do better  and deserved it too I know I never mattered and you’re still*  doing everything you wanted ‘cause nothing ever stopped you  and hearts like mine don't leave unscarred  but i’ve made peace with that  In the end I hold more than just “...

everything doesn’t happen for a reason  i refuse to justify the pain I come to bear  there’s an abundance of grace within me that tends to fall into undeserving hands  but am I allowed to feel hurt if I’m the one who places it there ?  I get tired of having to start over in life  I’ve done it too many times  by now , it must be my fault  I rebuild myself so often  I lose count  I’m the one that leads myself down that path… I must like it , huh ?  with a heart like mine with a love like this   with a mind I have  I’ll always end up losing  so who needs enemies , right ?  I love being alone it scares me how sure I am of that i could walk through life without needing anyone  and I’ll still have my sanity intact  but I’m flawed, ‘cause the voice of my wants are lodged in the back of my mind — a whisper so loud,  it echoes like a vow I can’t leave behind no amount of growth  could make me utter  ...

this world repaid my kindness in hurt  it’s gifted me wounds i’ve had to mend  it rewired me to hold its ache  it’s okay, they’ll tell me “it made you strong”  but all i wanted was to be soft without a cost  so what I can’t erase will be embedded in pages I’ll end up wanting to tear  anything to ease my mind  ‘cause no one likes a girl gone mad